Review of Why You Do the Things You Do free essay sample

Relationships are in our everyday life all around us, but the most intimate relationships we have include God, our parents, our children and our spouse. God implanted the desire for intimacy or relationship within us when He created Adam and Eve. God hardwired the desire for relationship in us because He desires relationship. Adam and Eve had the perfect relationship with each other and God for a while. God continued to desire relationship with Adam and Eve even after their disobedience. When our relationship with God is lacking, we will try to fill the hole created with other relationships to give ourselves meaning, purpose and value. These other relationships might include addictions, shopping, work, or entertainment. Our parents begin the heart of the relationship cycle when we are born. They determine, as their parents before them, whether we are secure in our relationships, or if we are avoidant, ambivalent, or disorganized. Our relationship style influences most of life’s important issues such as how we deal with grief, marriage, and parenting. Our view of ourselves and those we hold most dear begin to be formed as we connect with our mothers. Mothers are thrust into emotional, relational and physically challenging environments where she must do the best she can while molding her child’s self-image daily. Human children are totally dependent on their mothers for survival. Children’s earliest relationships shape the chemical processes in the brain that determine how we control our emotions, impulses and even develop memories of our early family life; therefore, mother-child relationships are vitally important in a child’s development physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This relationship molds the ability to form healthy relationships later in life. Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy illustrated separation anxiety by using John Bowlby and James Robertson’s development of attachment behavioral system when they studied the patients in an English children’s tuberculosis ward in 1948. These children expressed distress and anxiety, then anger at being left alone in the hospital by their parents. The children all typically went through three stages after admittance: protest, despair, and detachment. Due to the repeated abandonment, the patients tended to develop a calloused self. They all developed a system of replacing things for relationships. This helped them wall off their emotions so that they no longer expressed their feelings to anyone, even themselves. Dr. Bowlby’s attachment behavioral system brought the proximity principle to light. The proximity of a parent determines if the child feels safe and secure. If he/she does feel safe, they will be willing to explore the world around them, always looking back to check Mother’s proximity. If mother is not close enough, the child will run back closer to her. Children do not have to learn this behavior. Seeking closeness during times of stress is a survival mechanism in humans and animals. As children grow and mature, they do not feel the need to always be visually connected to mother but knowing she can hear his/her cries for help is enough. Fear of abandonment is the fundamental human fear. There are several efforts of self-protection children might develop if parents fail to respond to their child’s behavioral and verbal cries for connection. Ambivalence occurs when the child begins to cling to her parents but then strikes out as if to punish them. Avoidant relationship style is exhibited when the children becomes an island unto themselves. They isolate themselves from their own feelings as well as from the feelings of others. These children usually replace their need for others with a need for possessions. The children with a disorganized response have no consistent style of relating to the parents. They tend to exhibit a combination of secure, ambivalent, and avoidant responses. These efforts of self-protection indicate the children do not regard others as trustworthy, reliable, or accessible. Studies have shown that children who have developed ambivalent, avoidant or disorganized relationship styles do not tend to seek God as a refuge during times of distress. People with an ambivalent relationship style tend to doubt their salvation frequently. Avoidant styles were more likely to give up on God and follow addictive or sinful habits. Soul wounds occur when we need and/or expect a loved one to be there for us, and he/she is not. Such an injury can ignite core pain: anger, anxiety, fear, and grief. The degree of an injury to the soul can change depending on the stage of life a person has achieved. What does not change is the intensity of our reaction to the injury. The strongest emotional reactions are directly related to our closest relationships. Relationship is the foundation of God’s nature. We are created in his likeness so relationships are the foundation of our needs and who we become. When we have relationship with God, that relationship will satisfy all the conditions of a healthy, secure relationship. We must seek Him in times of trouble. He becomes our refuge, our place of security and safety. Our relationship with God is the foundation which allows us to boldly face the world with strength and confidence. When we separate from God, anxiety will set in and produce confusion, grief and aloneness. God created relationship even before he created Adam and Eve. God is a trinity and shows the ideal relationship through the Holy Trinity. He is one Being but three. God chose to come to earth as Jesus. Jesus, as a human, limited himself so that he might experience the same joy and disappointments we experience daily. Jesus did what we all should strive to do. He made his relationship with God His priority and He did it perfectly. God won’t always remove our pain, but He will be with us, giving us peace through the painful times. He will be our safe haven, our refuge. Concrete response When I first began reading this book, I didn’t connect with it; however that soon changed as Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy began to discuss the ambivalent relationship style. This style fairly screamed at me, shouting, â€Å"You, You, You!!! † I personify the â€Å"don’t abandon me! † chapter. While my father is a loving and affectionate person, my mother is not. This book has helped me identify with her loving style or lack of thereof, as the case maybe. I craved love and affection as a child, only to be met with the harsh reality that my mother didn’t know how to show either. She would buy us the world but had no idea how to play with my brother and me, or simply to cuddle us in her lap. As we grew older, she saw all displays of budding independence as rebellion. As a teenager I wanted nothing more than to be loved by someone. Soon after graduation, I latched onto my first in a series of three, â€Å"bad boys†. My mother hated him from the first time I went out with Henry. That simply convinced me he was the guy for me. Henry was a non-believer at that time, a partying guy who danced very well! He needed a â€Å"good girl† to take home to his parents and I needed a â€Å"knight†, never mind that the armor was more than slightly tarnished. Soon after our daughter was born, Henry informed me he would take the dog and move back to his parents’ home, if I would just take that baby and go. My mother delighted then and continues to this day never to miss an opportunity to say, â€Å"I told you so. † About 3 years later, I married Pat. My whole family approved of Pat. He was charming, the brother to my first cousin and the catch of my hometown. Unbeknownst to me, Pat was not only an alcoholic but a cocaine and pot user. After my son was born, three trips to the emergency room, and I was back in my parents’ house again. This time, my mother informed me that I was just a failure in marriage. My grandmother confirmed this by letting me know that I had two beautiful children so didn’t â€Å"need† a man in my life. I spent the next twelve years as a single parent under the control of my mother. She told me where I should work, how I should dress, and how to raise my children. I spent the twelve years on the lookout for Mr. Right. You know, the knight with shining armor this time. Once again, I found a husband. Gene walked into my life with a flower in one hand and a Bible in the other. He knew I was looking for a Christian man. He didn’t bother to let me know he was a closet alcoholic. I never saw him drink except on the weekends. Little did I know he kept a cooler in his backseat for after work refreshment. I had resigned myself to a loveless marriage because my mother had convinced me that the status of being married was more respectable than being a single mom. After three long years of emotional and finally physical abuse, Gene left. Today, thanks be to God, I am married to a wonderful man and the cycle of ambivalence has been broken. I have days that Satan creeps in some ambivalent disorder in but I diligently seek God first, then my husband, for a safe haven and refuge. Reflection During this course, I have been working out of state. On the weekend trips home, I tend to listen to audiobooks while I drive. This past weekend, I listened to The Shack by William P. Young. The main focus of this fictional story was man’s relationship to God, God’s relationship within the Holy Trinity and forgiveness. I saw myself and my mother in the authors’ descriptions of the avoidant and the ambivalent relationship styles. I got very excited when I identified myself and saw clearly why I am ambivalent in my relationship styles. When I took the quiz to determine my style, my answers were strongest in the ambivalent relationship style; however, there were several answers that fell into the disorganized style as well. I realize that I do tend to revert to the ambivalent style with my dear husband, Steve, when I feel insecure about life’s happenings, especially stressful times. I had a sense of peace when I saw my mother in this book. I realized that she had â€Å"inherited† many of her detached parenting techniques from her parents. I found myself applauding the authors for their opinions in not allowing a child to cry themselves to sleep. Children are blessings and should be treasured. I would love to sit down and discuss counseling techniques in depth with Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy. Since I began my studies through Liberty, I have felt that I should seek some counseling to talk out my fears of sharing my testimony. I feel that I am being called with my husband into a ministry but know that the day will come that I will be asked to share my testimony publicly for the good of other women. Application My own personal growth will be continued through prayer, supplication and Bible study. My prayer and Bible study time will not be limited to a particular time in the day. After much prayer, we both feel we are being called into God’s ministry and since my job in Florida came out of the blue, we think we are being led to Florida to begin there. Since I accepted this job, I’ve allowed myself to consider that Steve might not come to Florida and quizzed him several times about the fact. His answer is always the same – he loves me and feels that we are being called to Florida. After reading Why You do the Things You Do, I intend to pursue my Abba God in relationship more intensely through prayer and devotions. I need to instill a daily living room chat with Him alone. I tend to not allow myself much alone time in that I keep music on the computer when I am alone in the apartment in Florida. I have not wanted to be in silence to avoid feeling lonely for my husband’s company. Second, I will place more confidence in my relationship with my husband and our commitment to our marriage covenant. I tend to let Satan creep in and attack my confidence in God’s plan and Steve’s commitment to our marriage. Steve’s wisdom and logical way of thinking is such an anchor for my emotional thinking. I will be striving to place more faith in God’s plans for us as His children, while developing a more secure relationship style in our marriage. Together, we make a great team for God to work.